Johnny,

I've reached a point in my life where I want to clean myself up and be more productive. Yet two or three times a week, I'm out with the old crew, partying. And I tend bar a night or two a week for extra cash…which never seems to make it into my bank account. Anyway, I'm not a bum and commuters never have to worry about me shaking a cup at their faces on the SOMA offramps, but this is getting old. I also need to mention that I am not the rehab type. That new-age nonsense about finding your higher power disturbs me, and when I'm around people like that all I can think about is doing a fat rail off the back cover of their Good Book. However, the status quo is untenable.

Luke D. (The Mission, SF)

Luke, don't be disrespectin the rehab, son. I did a bid up in some court-ordered clean-up camp back when MC Hammer was platinum daily and I done trained me three birds in 30 days. Oh those were good times, son, good times. But I was younger, full of powder, if you know what I'm sayin, and for sure dancing on the dark side, a country mile from the Lord. As long as I was where I was, I was going to be who I was. I hope you catchin my larger point here. You wanna make a big turn, son, you gotta either change your heart or change your environment…preferably both. When my Miss Bunny and Five-O kicked me out the hustlin game, I put my winnings into these Salsilito ramshackle fix-it digs, and settled down to a life of cocktails, controlled indoor fires, and organic farming. Aside from the debt, and the hippie music my neighbors play, its cool. I got ol' Mrs. Cutler across the street on to the funk now, and her man looking more tired by the day, not that I'd cross them lines anymore, no son, gotta respect boundaries.

Johnny S.

Dear Mr. Snowflake,

You seem like a very wise and learned gentleman, so I hope you can help me. I am hosting a cocktail party next week for a few friends and my sister and her husband, in from Tokyo. This is my first time doing this, I'm only 27, and I do not want his event to come off like some child trying to impress the adults, but of course I want to impress them. Please help.

Naomi Hiro (Cole Valley, SF)

Hello Miss Naomi…and to all the Asian hotties all around the world….

On my present ride as gentleman gardener and counselor to troubled souls, and with the guidance of Miss Bunny, I've come to appreciate the importance of good food. Being a former king-mackin' muther$%^&er, I've always understood presentation…know what I'm sayin'. Now it sounds like you want to truly enter the world of stellar profilin', and I am here to help, but be warned, my tips will sting your credit cards…but cool folks will hereafter be kissing yo pretty behind. So….

Miss Bunny swears by Sonoma Zinfindels. We got in with this winemaker called Turleys, and they the bomb, kid, seriously. But you gotta know somebody or get on a list to get that, so I say get up to Sonoma with your boy for a few hours and do some red wine tasting, and pick the zin or merlot you like. For the food I'm recommendin', you gonna wanna stay away from the Pinots and Shiraz. So score the zin, a nice bottle of burbon or scotch, and a good bottle of vodka (I prefer Shakers or Ciroc), oj, fresh cranberry juice, a few bottles of sparkling water, and few bottles of spring water. Make sure your serving sets are on point too-- lead crystal and silver for proper bling factor. Still with me?

Just cause I love sweet lil thangs like yourself, here's a recipe for some Salmon Tartare that Miss Bunny swears by:

SALMON TARTARE

18 ounces salmon fillet, preferably Pacific Chinook. Get rid of the skin and bones.

1.5 teaspoon kosher salt, or to taste

3.5 teaspoons minced shallots

6 teaspoons minced chives

3 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil

6 hard-cooked large eggs, peeled

3 (1/8-inch-thick) rounds of red onion

3 tablespoons nonpareil capers, drained

6 teaspoons creme fraiche

1 lemon

6 fresh chervil sprigs

Toast or baguette slices, as desired

INSTRUCTIONS:

Trim off and discard any dark portions from the salmon. That's the part that taste's all super fishy like bad cooch. Mince the trimmed salmon. Wrap tightly and refrigerated over ice for 2 to 3 hours.

Transfer the salmon to a small bowl. Stir in the salt, shallots, 2 teaspoons chives and the olive oil. Taste and adjust the seasonings if necessary.

Cut the eggs in half and separate the whites and yolks. Push each separately through the holes of a large grater, then chop, keeping them separate. (Using a grater first allows for more uniform pieces when chopped.)

Stack the onion slices and cut them in half. Remove the small rings from the center and reserve for another use, leaving the outer rings. Cut the rings into 1/8-inch squares.

Put a 4- to 4 1/2-inch ring mold in the center of a large serving plate. Place a one-sixth of the salmon mixture into the ring and use the back of a spoon to spread the mixture into a thin layer. Remove the ring and repeat with the remaining salmon on 5 more plates. Sprinkle the egg yolks in a 2-inch wide band around the salmon. Sprinkle a quarter of the onions over each band of egg yolks. Sprinkle the whites over the onions. Finish with the capers and remaining 2 teaspoons chives.

If the creme fraiche is too loose to hold a shape, place it in a small bowl and whisk until thickened. Place a teaspoon in the center of each serving of tartare. Squeeze a few drops of lemon juice over the salmon and garnish each small mound of creme fraiche with a sprig of chervil. Serve with toasts or thin slices of baguette.

Serves 6

Now, get your munch on and impress those who need impressing.

The Tasty Flake

questions for mr. snowflake? email him at mrsnowflake@massivesack.com